I'm super excited!💍

I've been neglecting this blog a bit, so this news is a bit late, but...

💍I'm getting married!💍

We haven't set a date yet, but oh my gosh I'm just so excited! 😁 When I met my wonderful fiancée Andrea in March, I immediately connected with her in a way I've never felt before. A few weeks ago, we went to visit her family in New Hampshire, and they are ✨amazing✨ and accepted me as one of their own.

My fiancée and I are both huge nerds, so of course we got nerdy inscriptions😁. Andrea wanted sudo apt install wife and I wanted assert!(wife.love), but there was a 16-character limit😢. We settled for apt install wife, which works if you're already root, and assert wife.love which is valid Python.

It would have been nice to have actual Rust code on my ring, since my last name is literally going to be "Rust"🤣, but oh well 🤷

Andrea, I love you so much 💓💓💓 and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

P.S. If you're wondering what happened with Scry, we're still friends. For various complicated reasons, we ended our relationship back in January. He's now living in Germany with his Kobold boyfriend. I'm going to be visiting them later this year, so that's something else I'm excited about 😁

They

Ever since I started my transition, I have exclusively used she/her pronouns. Being called "they" seemed impersonal to me. I would explain it like this:

• Using "they" to refer to someone anonymously is always OK:

  I talked to my friend and she said... ✅

  I talked to my friend and they said... ✅

• Using "they" to refer to me specifically, e.g. in a situation where you would use my name, is not OK:

  I talked to my friend Katie and she said... ✅

  I talked to my friend Katie and they said... ❌

"That last sentence sounds weird to me," I would say. "I'm a girl, just use 'she''!"

Except... now, it doesn't sound weird anymore. It sounds perfectly normal.

"They" is okay. ✅

So, I'm changing my pronouns from she/her to she/they. You can still call me a girl, a woman, a lady, female. I still prefer she/her, but I'll let myself have a little "they", as a treat. 😁

Spam comments

Just a quick update to anyone following: I had to turn off comments due to spam. It wasn't that much, but was still annoying to delete, and nobody has actually commented on any of my posts anyway.

I'm going all in.

I am coming up on 3 years of transition now. For all this time, I have been on the fence about bottom surgery. I was scared of the preparation, the surgery, the dilation, and the fear of complications. I just didn't really have genital dysphoria that bad. My orchi had removed the worst of it. Last year, though, after watching a video by Jessie Gender about her surgery, I came to the conclusion that I probably did want bottom surgery at some point. I just didn't have a definite plan or a timeframe in mind.

But you know what? Fuck it. I'm going all in. Today, I made the call to set up my first appointment to get the ball rolling. I've waited long enough. I know it will be a long process, and like my transition itself, I kinda wish I started sooner. But I'm determined now.

Wish me luck! 🤞

Labels

I've been thinking about labels for a while now. It's difficult to find labels that accurately describe my sexuality and gender. I thought I was straight and male for most of my life, but obviously neither of those labels fit me now. It took me a while to realize I was bisexual, but even that label is broad and doesn't come close to describing the nuances of who I'm attracted to and how that attraction manifests.

I am also on the Asexual spectrum somewhere. I recently discovered a graph that describes the various kinds of attraction: Platonic, Aesthetic, Sensual, Sexual, and Romantic. Someone is Asensual if they don't experience sensual attraction, Aromantic if they don't experience romantic attraction, etc. Allosexual means someone experiences normal sexual attraction.

I am Allosensual, maybe even Hypersensual. I love to cuddle and will 100% hook up with someone just to cuddle them. I'm pretty sure I'm Asexual, though, or at least close to it. In the past, I most likely mistook sensual attraction for sexual attraction. Every sexual encounter I've had has been somewhat disappointing, and how I feel about the experience as a whole depends on how much cuddling we did before and after.

One thought experiment that convinced me I am ace is this: Say you find a genie who offers you a deal. You can have a partner who will cuddle with you every day for the rest of your life, BUT... You can never have sex again, ever. I would take that deal with no hesitation. Whenever I have gone a while without having sex, I don't miss it at all. I do miss cuddling though, and I tend to get desperate if I go too long without it :'(

As for my gender, that's not clear either. I think I'm Agender internally, because my brain doesn't seem to have much of a reaction to either estrogen or testosterone, but I love being feminine, love the effects estrogen has on my body, and I love being a girl socially. So my gender is the word "GIRL" but when you look close, the lines that make up the text are microprinted "Transfeminine Non-Binary Agender".

Two years! 📏 ➡ 🏳️‍🌈 ➡ 🥚🔨 ➡ 🏳️‍⚧️

It's hard to believe - it's been two whole years since my egg cracked. April 3, 2019 was the day my life changed. That's when I went from "I'm just a cis guy who'd like to be more feminine" to "I'm definitely not 100% cis, maybe I'm genderfluid or non-binary". I still wasn't certain that I was trans, but I now knew it was a possibility. I began exploring, and within 3 months, I had:

• Started HRT
• Started laser hair removal
• Come out on my blog, on Facebook, and at work
• Legally changed my name
• Updated my name and gender on my driver's license and birth certificate

I feel like I did things really fast, but I felt like I had to. Not because of any external pressure, but because the flood gates opened on my dysphoria once I recognized it. Once I realized how much better I felt being a woman, I just couldn't stand being perceived as a man anymore.

Once, I was at the grocery store after work. I was pushing my cart down the main aisle, going pretty quickly because I couldn't wait to get home and change into my femme clothes, and this kid ran in front of my cart, being chased by their mother. I was able to stop before I hit them, but the mother said "Watch out, that M̻̤͍̬̼̪̤̼̺͉͎̦̭ͭ̃̌ͥ͋̎̿̈́̓̋̈́ͯ̔A͓̭̲̯̦̘ͅǸ̟̙̗̬̹͚̣̩̬ͧ̓̈ͦ͆͂ͮ̓ almost ran you over." That... hurt. It felt like a personal attack. I couldn't blame her, of course. I got so distracted that I forgot to get something that I needed and had to go back the next day. Except this time, I brought my femme clothes, pocket bra, and clip-on earrings with me, and put them on in the car before I left work.

I don't regret doing everything so quickly. If anything, I regret not transitioning sooner. But the past is the past, and I can't change it.

Flying my flag 🏳️‍⚧️

Today, March 31st, is Transgender Day of Visibility. Visibility matters for one very important reason - it's easier to hate people that you don't know. If you don't know any trans people, it's easy to put them in this "other" box and make generalizations about them.

I have never tried to hide the fact that I was trans. At first, this wasn't even a possibility. I came out before I looked even remotely feminine, so it was immediately obvious to anyone who saw me. Recently, however, I've noticed that it's getting much easier to see myself as female in the mirror, and I haven't been misgendered by a stranger in a long time. At my current job, there are some people who know I'm trans because I've worked with them before, but many of them don't know.

I don't mind being seen as trans at all. If I can show just one closeted trans person that they are not alone, and give them the courage to transition, it's worth any potential hate I might get from transphobes. Also, if transphobes show their true colors around me, at least I know their true intentions.

Some trans people prefer to be stealth because they can't handle the harrasment, or they are not in a safe environment, and that's okay. Nobody should be pressured to come out before they are safe.

This year, trans visibility is especially important because of the huge number of unconstitutional anti-trans bills being introduced in state legislatures right now. Healthcare for trans people is under attack all over the country, and this will cause real damage to transgender kids. It's so overwhelming sometimes.

Art by JenPallante

I exist!

I was really doubting my own existence until I saw this tweet from Oreo. Thank you so much, Mondelez International! I'm still gonna buy the knock-off store brand cookies because they're cheaper, but good for you!

This has to be a social experiment. It looks like humanity failed it, though. A corporate social media manager literally made the most uncontroversial, non-political, objective statement of fact it's possible to make about trans people, and people lost their damn minds over it. This is dangerous. People are literally disagreeing with a cookie about my very existence.

These people can't be reasoned with. They don't live in our reality. They want nothing less than for us to just disappear. We can't let that happen.

Gender euphoria

When discussing trans people and why they transition, there's a lot of discussion about gender dysphoria - and a lot of debate about what exactly defines it. When I first started questioning my gender, I was in complete denial about ever experiencing any kind of dysphoria. Yeah, I hated my facial hair, my voice, the way I looked in general, and I avoided mirrors and rarely took selfies, and never looked at them when I did. But that wasn't dysphoria, I just hated those things for no reason.

I never understood how some people could be so vain - staring at themselves in the mirror, taking tons of selfies, posting them everywhere...

Until I started seeing her.

The girl I was always meant to be.

Now I've got mirrors within arms reach in my home office, I created a shortcut on my laptop to show me a view from my webcam, and I take out my phone and snap a few selfies whenever I get the chance. There's nothing wrong with a little bit of vanity!

Seeing myself the way I was meant to be makes me very happy. It's the opposite of dysphoria - known in the trans community as gender euphoria. Many trans people, including myself, only realize they are experiencing dysphoria after experiencing euphoria for the first time. Dysphoria and euphoria are relative. If dysphoria is all you've ever felt, then it's difficult to recognize. This is why people say "You don't need dysphoria to be trans!" All that is necessary to be trans is to feel better as one gender other than the one you were assigned at birth.

I feel like everyone should explore their gender a bit. If you try out a different gender, and it doesn't work for you... well, now you know!

My new favorite microcontroller

I've been using various microcontrollers and single-board computers since 2013. I started with an Arduino Uno, and I fell in love with how simple it was to write real-time code that runs on bare metal on a tiny chip. Despite the limited RAM and storage space, it didn't seem restrictive at all! I've used a couple of Uno boards for various projects: a remote thermostat for my room A/C (at my dad's house), a "universal" TV remote, a modem rebooter, a furnace / AC control unit (at my current house), and... a clock. That I can update and set the time over bluetooth.

Of course, other manufacturers saw the success of the Arduino, and started making their own boards, either directly compatible with existing Arduino boards, or programmable through the Arduino IDE. In 2017, I got my Macchina M2, and started working on what would become my Volt mod project.

The problem

Last week, I was talking to my boyfriend about the Wifi-controlled outlets I had purchased years ago and reverse-engineered, and I lamented the fact that I could no longer get the exact same model and would have to do all that hacking all over again with a new model. Of course, if I could just build my own, it would be a lot easier. The problem is, Arduino boards with Wifi are expensive, right?

The solution

Let me introduce you to my new favorite microcontroller: The ESP8266. Built-in Wifi support, decently fast, plenty of RAM, a good amount of I/O pins, and dirt cheap. I got a pack of 3 for about $15. Wifi is super easy to use, especially if you're just doing UDP.

For this Wifi-controlled outlet project, I would also need some relays. I bought a pack of 4 dual-relay boards which are 3.3v I/O compatible. I already had an outlet box with a couple of outlets and a bunch of wire. Hooking it all up was very straightforward. The code for the ESP8266 is very simple and fits on a single page.

This is definitely going to be my go-to microcontroller for projects going forward. If you're interested, just search for "ESP8266" or "NodeMCU" on your favorite online retailer.

I am the queen of No Nut November!

After months of delays, they're finally gone! One more step to becoming who I truly am. No need to worry about testosterone anymore.

Thank you to the doctors, nurses, and hospital staff at the University of Kansas Bell Hospital who were very patient answering my questions and making me comfortable.

And a very special thank you to my sweetie dragon Scrydan, who was there with me the whole time. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend!

Saying goodbye to my two best friends

Not the ones in the Winnebago.

My two friends have forced testosterone on me for years. I've already blocked them, and I'm about to cut them out of my life entirely. Next month, I'm going in for surgery to get rid of these dysphoria dumplings once and for all.

Goodbye and good riddance.

Fixing an obscure Undertale bug

Undertale's 5th anniversary was a couple of weeks ago, so I decided to play through it again. However, when I tried to start it up, it just crashed right away. There was a lot of diagnostic output, but no error messages, just an exit. These kinds of bugs are difficult to diagnose, but I wasn't going to let that stop me from enjoying those goat hugs.

I ran Steam in a console window, and changed the launch options to run the game under a debugger:

That at least told me what the error was: SIGFPE - usually caused by an integer division by zero.

Reading symbols from /media/disk1/lstuff/steam/steamapps/common/Undertale/runner...(no debugging symbols found)...done.
(gdb) r
Starting program: /media/disk1/lstuff/steam/steamapps/common/Undertale/runner 
.
.
.
Thread 1 "runner" received signal SIGFPE, Arithmetic exception.
0x081d7332 in ?? ()
(gdb) 

What could it be trying to divide by zero? Maybe the rest of the output might give me a hint.

***************************************
*     YoYo Games Linux Runner V1.3    *
***************************************
CommandLine: -game game.unx
ExeName= /media/disk1/lstuff/steam/steamapps/common/Undertale/runner
MemoryManager allocated: 4031222
INI DisplayName=UNDERTALE
SavePrePend /home/ktpanda/.config/UNDERTALE/
GAMEPAD: Initialising Ubuntu support
Attempting to set gamepadcount to 4
display=0x9682cd0
Display Size(Pixels): 1920,1080
CreateDesktopWindow 640,480
Win #1
XF86VidModeExtension-Version 2.2
Got Doublebuffered Visual!
glX-Version 1.4
Icon: w=64 h=64
Creating window of width 640, height 480
sw=0 wh=0
WindowCentre: 640,300
Depth 24
Congrats, you have Direct Rendering!
sync = 1
**** GLX Extensions ***
GLX_EXT_visual_info GLX_EXT_visual_rating ...
Checking for GLX_EXT_swap_control
Vsync: GLX_EXT
DOUBLE BUFFERED
OpenGL: version string 4.6.0 NVIDIA 440.66.12
OpenGL: vendor string NVIDIA Corporation
OpenGL GLSL: version string 4.60 NVIDIA
Extensions:
GL_AMD_multi_draw_indirect GL_AMD_seamless_cubemap_per_texture ...
Anisotropic filtering supported, max aniso 16
This is where it would have set them fullscreen= 0, they are 0,0    displaywidth/h 0,0
Texture #1 16,16
Texture #2 16,16
Texture #1 16,16
Texture #2 16,16
finished(2)!!
Texture #1 1,1
Texture #2 1,1
finished(2)!!
Total memory used = 81515771(0x04dbd4fb) bytes

So one thing that stands out is the line that says displaywidth/h 0,0. If for some reason it was seeing the display resolution as 0x0, it is very plausible that trying to calculate something related to the aspect ratio would result in division by zero. But where is it getting that size from? Especially since earlier, it detects it correctly: Display Size(Pixels): 1920,1080.

Time to fire up xtrace. This utility intercepts all communication between the program and the X display server and dumps it. Undertale must be calling some weird function and misinterpreting the results.

***************************************
*     YoYo Games Linux Runner V1.3    *
***************************************
CommandLine: -game game.unx
ExeName= /media/disk1/lstuff/steam/steamapps/common/Undertale/runner
MemoryManager allocated: 4031222
INI DisplayName=UNDERTALE
SavePrePend /home/ktpanda/.config/UNDERTALE/
GAMEPAD: Initialising Ubuntu support
Attempting to set gamepadcount to 4
000:<: am lsb-first want 11:0 authorising with 'MIT-MAGIC-COOKIE-1' of length 16
000:>: Success, version is 11:0 vendor='The X.Org Foundation' release=11906000 resource-id=0x0a200000 resource-mask=0x001fffff [...] width[pixel]=1920 height[pixel]=1080 [...]
000:<:0001: 20: Request(98): QueryExtension name='BIG-REQUESTS'
000:>:0001:32: Reply to QueryExtension: present=true(0x01) major-opcode=133 first-event=0 first-error=0
000:<:0002:  4: BIG-REQUESTS-Request(133,0): Enable
000:>:0002:32: Reply to Enable: maximum-request-length=4194303
000:<:0003: 20: Request(55): CreateGC cid=0x0a200000 drawable=0x00000245 values={background=0x00ffffff}
000:<:0004: 24: Request(20): GetProperty delete=false(0x00) window=0x00000245 property=0x17("RESOURCE_MANAGER") type=0x1f("STRING") long-offset=0x00000000 long-length=0x05f5e100
000:>:0004:2168: Reply to GetProperty: type=0x1f("STRING") bytes-after=0x00000000 data='[...]'
000:<:0005: 20: Request(98): QueryExtension name='XKEYBOARD'
000:>:0005:32: Reply to QueryExtension: present=true(0x01) major-opcode=135 first-event=85 first-error=137
000:<:0006:  8: XKEYBOARD-Request(135,0): UseExtension major=1 minor=0
000:>:0006:32: Reply to UseExtension: major=1 minor=0
display=0x95bacd0
Display Size(Pixels): 1920,1080
CreateDesktopWindow 640,480
Win #1
.
.
.
000:<:003a: 16: Request(98): QueryExtension name='RANDR'
000:>:003a:32: Reply to QueryExtension: present=true(0x01) major-opcode=140 first-event=89 first-error=147
000:<:003b: 12: RANDR-Request(140,0): QueryVersion major-version=1 minor-version=5
000:<:003c:  8: RANDR-Request(140,8): GetScreenResources window=0x0a200003
000:>:003b:32: Reply to QueryVersion: major-version=1 minor-version=5
000:>:003c:3680: Reply to GetScreenResources: timestamp=0x42ae9f12 config-timestamp=0x0003cf23 [...]
000:<:003d: 12: RANDR-Request(140,20): GetCrtcInfo crtc=0x0000023a config-timestamp=0x0003cf23
000:>:003d:44: Reply to GetCrtcInfo: status=Success(0x00) timestamp=0x42ae9f12 x=0 y=0 width=0 height=0 mode=0x00000000 current rr=0 possible rr=Rotate_0,Rotate_90,Rotate_180,Rotate_270,Reflect_X,Reflect_Y outputs=; possible outputs=0x0000023e,0x0000023f,0x00000240;
sw=0 wh=0
WindowCentre: 640,300
Depth 24

Well, would you look at that!? GetCrtcInfo returns 0 for both width and height. This is an XRandR function, so its actual name is XRRGetCrtcInfo. This function is so obscure that searching for it brings up a few examples, some StackOverflow questions, and the header file where it's defined, but no actual documentation for it. I played around with the xrandr utility, hoping to figure out what's causing it to return zero, but nothing worked.

But it's still just a hypothesis that this one call is what's causing the crash. If I could just trick the game into thinking that it returned the correct size, then maybe it will work. The definition of XRRGetCrtcInfo looks like this:

typedef struct _XRRCrtcInfo {
    Time	    timestamp;
    int		    x, y;
    unsigned int    width, height;
    RRMode	    mode;
    Rotation	    rotation;
    int		    noutput;
    RROutput	    *outputs;
    Rotation	    rotations;
    int		    npossible;
    RROutput	    *possible;
} XRRCrtcInfo;

XRRCrtcInfo *
XRRGetCrtcInfo (Display *dpy, XRRScreenResources *resources, RRCrtc crtc);

I can use the debugger and break on the call to XRRGetCrtcInfo, then step out, then poke values into the structure it returns:

Reading symbols from /media/disk1/lstuff/steam/steamapps/common/Undertale/runner...(no debugging symbols found)...done.
(gdb)
(gdb) break XRRGetCrtcInfo
Breakpoint 1 at 0x804f4a0
(gdb) r
Starting program: /media/disk1/lstuff/steam/steamapps/common/Undertale/runner
[Thread debugging using libthread_db enabled]
Using host libthread_db library "/lib/x86_64-linux-gnu/libthread_db.so.1".

***************************************
*     YoYo Games Linux Runner V1.3    *
***************************************
CommandLine: -game game.unx
ExeName= /media/disk1/lstuff/steam/steamapps/common/Undertale/runner
MemoryManager allocated: 4031222
INI DisplayName=UNDERTALE
SavePrePend /home/ktpanda/.config/UNDERTALE/
GAMEPAD: Initialising Ubuntu support
Attempting to set gamepadcount to 4
display=0x880ccd0
Display Size(Pixels): 1920,1080
CreateDesktopWindow 640,480
Win #1
XF86VidModeExtension-Version 2.2
Got Doublebuffered Visual!
glX-Version 1.4
Icon: w=64 h=64
Creating window of width 640, height 480

Breakpoint 1, 0xf7829d50 in XRRGetCrtcInfo () from /usr/lib/i386-linux-gnu/libXrandr.so.2
(gdb) finish
Run till exit from #0  0xf7829d50 in XRRGetCrtcInfo () from /usr/lib/i386-linux-gnu/libXrandr.so.2
0x082fc8f7 in ?? ()
(gdb) info registers
eax            0x888ccd0	143183056
ecx            0x0	0
edx            0x89606e8	144049896
ebx            0x873fae4	141818596
esp            0xffffa8a0	0xffffa8a0
ebp            0xf709db00	0xf709db00
esi            0x1002	4098
edi            0x895c170	144032112
eip            0x82fc8f7	0x82fc8f7
eflags         0x200282	[ SF IF ID ]
cs             0x23	35
ss             0x2b	43
ds             0x2b	43
es             0x2b	43
fs             0x0	0
gs             0x63	99
(gdb) p ((unsigned int*)0x888ccd0)[0]
$1 = 1133426070
(gdb) p ((unsigned int*)0x888ccd0)[1]
$2 = 0
(gdb) p ((unsigned int*)0x888ccd0)[2]
$3 = 0
(gdb) p ((unsigned int*)0x888ccd0)[3]
$4 = 0
(gdb) p (((unsigned int*)0x888ccd0)[3] = 1920)
$5 = 1920
(gdb) p (((unsigned int*)0x888ccd0)[4] = 1080)
$6 = 1080
(gdb) c
Continuing.
sw=1920 wh=1080
WindowCentre: 640,300
Depth 24

Success! It sees the proper display size now, and the game starts up!

But that's a lot of work I'd have to do every time I launch the game, especially given what happens near the end. Fortunately, Linux and some other Unix-like operating systems support a feature called LD_PRELOAD, which allows injecting a library into a program before it loads, allowing it to override functions in other libraries. I created a simple C library that I could use with LD_PRELOAD for an automated fix. I'm currently working on cleaning up the code to upload it.

Let me know if you see something similar! I couldn't find anyone else posting about this bug, so it must not be common.

Ouch

I just did my first self-injection of estradiol valerate earlier! It went pretty well, even though I was extremely nervous and my hands were shaking. I recorded the process so I could review it - it took 22 seconds to actually stick the needle in. I'm sure it will get easier with time.

My doctor initially prescribed estriadiol cypionate, but it's not available as a generic, only under the brand name Depo-Estradiol. She changed it to estradiol valerate, which is generic and seems to be more common anyway. My insurance would cover the EV, but not completely. It was actually cheaper with GoodRX, with the caveat that it doesn't apply to my deductible. Yay, privatized healthcare.

On the subject of estradiol, I read an article about a clinical trial where doctors are going to try giving transdermal estradiol to cis men who test positive for COVID-19, because data shows that women are more likely to survive. I really hope this doesn't cause a shortage. There are already nutjobs making up stories about how this whole thing is a conspiracy to feminize men and turn them into "soy-boy cucks" or "simps" (or whatever their latest slur is for men who don't fall in line with what they think a man should be), with a good deal of racism thrown in for good measure. It's the kind of thing you laugh at until you realize they are 100% serious.

It's my E-nniversary!

Time goes by so fast. One year ago - April 24, 2019 - I took my first estradiol pill. So much has changed for me since I began HRT! My skin is smoother, I sweat a lot less, and of course - certain... features have started growing. Those little blue pills have done more to treat my depression than any of the antidepressants I've taken in the past!

I may not be taking them much longer, though - I'm going to try switching to intramuscular injections of estradiol valerate, which has less risk of being metabolized to estrone in the liver. Among the transfeminine people I've spoken to, it seems pretty common to switch to injections after a year. It's honestly kind of exciting!

I ended up starting HRT sooner than I had planned. I still wasn't 100% certain I wanted to transition. But I knew that if I was going to transition, the sooner I started, the better. The effects would not be immediate, and I could stop taking it if I didn't like it. In the end, I'm really glad I started when I did! Every day I delayed would have made it harder to be who I am inside.

It's been an interesting year

I began my transition nearly a year ago, on April 3rd, 2019. I'm posting this a bit early, because today, March 31st, is International Transgender Day of Visibility. I can't put into words how much happier I am now! This past year has been the best year of my life so far, despite the struggles of dealing with dysphoria and transphobia. My transition has gone realtively smoothly, and I realize it's not that easy for everyone. Sure, my family hasn't been super supportive, but they haven't disowned me, cut off contact, or attacked me. I'm lucky that I work for a company with a strong anti-discrimination policy. All of my friends have been extremely supportive.

Many people aren't so lucky, though. Every day, trans people are harrassed, bullied, evicted, fired, attacked, and even murdered — just because they are trans. Some trans people have to hide the fact that they are trans for their own safety. This is why we need a Trans Day of Visibility. It's easier to hate someone you don't know. It's getting better though, and as long as we continue to fight for our rights, it will continue to get better in the future.

So once again, thank you to all the people who have supported me this past year. I could not have done this alone!

Texas Furry Fiesta 2020!

I had so much fun at TFF this year! TFF is special to me because it's where I met my wonderful dragon boyfriend Scrydan last year.

Am I actually Non-binary?

Lately, I've been thinking more about my internal gender identity. I feel like I don't really have one. There's nothing inside my mind that's telling me that I'm female, male, or anything else. Thinking about how I've felt about my gender in the past, I'm starting to warm to the idea that I'm actually Agender and always have been. I think the label "transfeminine agender" fits me, but I still want to call myself a trans woman based on my presentation. I'm not sure if I want to use the label "non-binary", though. It depends on the definition. My hesitance to use it feels like my hesitance about using "pansexual". It's mostly the worry that it doesn't fit me. I have an image of "non-binary" or "agender" as someone who is androgynous in appearance, even though there are people like Riley J Dennis who are non-binary but are very feminine and use she/her pronouns.

My hesitance might also be the concern that I do have an internal gender identity but just don't realize it. Does my desire to be female in every way possible mean that my internal identity really is female? Does my desire to have an internal sense outright telling me that I am female mean that my identity is female? Is that what an internal sense of gender is - a desire to be a specific gender?

Some things are clear, though. I am much happier with myself since transitioning. I love the name Katie. I love my full name, Jennifer Kathryn. I love when other people see me as a girl, and I love seeing myself as a girl! My only regret is not transitioning sooner.

I don't think I'm going to use the label "Non-binary", at least not right now. This is a topic that I re-visit once in a while, so things might change in the future. I have a ton of respect for non-binary people. There's a lot of hatred for them out there, even from some trans people, mostly due to misunderstanding what they are and what they're trying to accomplish.

So, shoutout to all the lovely enbies out there! Y'all are awesome!

When a name becomes an insult

Imagine this scenario:

Your name is Casey Smith.

One day, you wake up with a piece of paper in your hand which says you've changed your name from "Assclown Smith" to "Casey Smith".

Confused, you check your wallet. Your driver's license says your name is Smith, Assclown, and the photo is you, but in full clown makeup, wearing a dunce cap. All your credit cards bear the name Assclown Smith.

Now you're starting to panic. You check your email. Sure enough, there are dozens of emails in your inbox - from your bank, your pharmacy, your dentist, your insurance agent - all starting with "Dear Assclown," or Hello, Assclown!

Obviously, you feel the need to fix this right away. First - you log onto your bank's website where it greets you with "Welcome, Assclown!" You click on "My Profile", hoping there is a simple way to change it online. No such luck. You search on the bank's site, but there's nothing in their paltry online help about changing the name on your account. So you call them.

ring... ring...

"Thank you for choosing 18th National Bank!" the sickeningly cheery recording slowly announces. "Did you know... you can use our mobile banking app to... transfer money..., pay bills..., or access your balance..., twenty-four hours a day..., seven days a week..., three hundred sixty-five days a year...! Just visit our website at... double-yew... double-yew... double-yew... dot... 18th... national... bank... dot com! Our associates are available to help you from 8:12 AM to 4:47 PM, Eastern Standard Time, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday; from 9:07 AM to 5:31 PM on Wednesday, and 7:54 AM to 6:01 PM on Friday. This call may be recorded for training purposes. Please listen carefully to the following options, as they may have changed. If you would like to use our telephone banking system, press 1. If you need directions to one of our branch locations, press 2. If you would like to schedule an appointment to apply for a loan, press 3. If you know your party's extension, you can dial it at any time. To repeat these options, press star. Otherwise, please stay on the line, and an associate will be with you shortly. ring... ring... All of our associates are busy helping other customers. Your estimated hold time is... five... minutes."

You press the mute and speaker buttons and set the phone down. You ponder what is happening as you listen to the crappiest hold music you've ever heard. How many accounts do you have with that name? How many databases are you in? There must be hundreds! It's impossible to remember them all. Even if you could, you have no idea how many third parties your information has been sold to.

"Thank you for calling 18th National Bank, my name is Ashley, how can I help you?"

"Uh... I need to change the name on my account."

"Okay, what is the name currently on the account?"

"Um..." You glance over at your computer, where you are still logged in. "The account number is 64-3151-8030."

"Ok, could you please verify the name and date of birth of the account holder?"

Is she really going to make me say it? "Um... April 1st, 1991... and the name is... assclown Smith."

"Thanks for confirming that, Assclown!" You wince as you hear the name. "Just fax us a copy of your marriage certificate and we can get that last name updated!"

"Actually, it's the first name that's wrong. My name is Casey. Casey Smith. And I don't have a fax machine."

"Oh! I'm sorry. Let me see. Do you have a photo ID with the new name on it?"

"No, not yet."

"Well, once you get it updated, you'll have to come to a branch in person and show your ID and a court order changing your name, then we can start the process to get your account updated. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

sigh "I guess not."

"Thank you again for using 18th National Bank, and have a nice day!" beep!

This isn't going to be easy, you mutter under your breath.

To be continued...

Happy National Coming Out Day!

Today, October 11, is National Coming Out Day! I've talked about my experiences in depth on this blog before, so this is a bit redundant:

My name is Katie Stafford. I am bisexual. I am transgender. I refuse to hide who I am or debate my existence with anyone.

My story

When I came out as trans, most of the reactions were positive or mixed.

• The first person I told was a trans girl I knew online. I said:

  So I found this subreddit the other day: https://www.reddit.com/r/egg_irl/, and it was uncomfortable how much I related to a lot of the memes there. I don't know if I'm trans or not, but I'm going to at least explore to figure out what extent I am.

  She replied,

  Heh, makes sense. I know I just thought I was a pretty feminine guy until fairly recently.

• When I came out to Scrydan, I said:

  Recently, I've been kinda questioning where I fit in as far as gender, and I'm probably genderfluid, maybe nonbinary. I'm not past questioning at this point. I've picked out a name and I'm kinda exploring it online, but I haven't really given much thought to actually transitioning. It may be the case that it's not for me.

  He replied,

  To be honest, I really like you. You're really special. ... I think if we keep hitting it off, we should really consider getting together/dating. As for transitioning, it really is up to you.

• I came out privately to a group of friends in a group chat. I said:

  Over the past few months, I've slowly come to the realization that I might be transgender.

  I tried to dismiss these thoughts as curiosity, but I started realizing that it was more than that.

  Two weeks ago, I decided to begin exploring a feminine identity. I chose the name 'Katie' and started using that online. Slowly, I've been starting to use it more and more, and I feel that it fits me quite well.

  I can't say for certain what the future holds, but for now, I'm proceeding as if I will fully transition.

  One friend said:

  Thank you for trusting us. Whatever you need, we'll be here. ♥️

  Another said:

  I commend your quest for self-knowledge and your courage in dealing with what you've discovered head-on! 🙂

  A third friend said:

  Thank you for including me. Anything I can do, you just let me know. You have my full support!

• Coming out to my father was trickier because I had no idea how he would react. I wrote a long letter explaining my feelings, and answering a few questions that I thought he might ask. I sent him a link to the letter, and his response was cautious:

  I saw on your page you said you were bi & I accepted that. I just hope you think long & hard about this. A lot of people that are accepting of gays & other groups still have trouble with gender identity. Forgive me if I have some trouble getting used to this, but I will try.

  He was mainly concerned with how my mother would react.

• I decided I didn't need to be that long winded with my aunt. I texted her:

  I wanted to tell you that I've been talking to a therapist for a few months and I've realized that the source of my anxiety has been gender dysphoria. So I've been exploring that, and living as a woman in private. I've come to realize that this is the right thing for me.

  She replied,

  Oh really!? I guess I didnt realize you had so much going on. You should come over and talk some time.

• Coming out at work was very formal and involved a lot of preparation. It involved several meetings with managers and HR. I drafted an email to send to the team which was reviewed by my boss and his boss.

  Dear Colleagues,

  I have enjoyed working for ██████ for the last year and a half, and have grown to count many of you as friends as well as coworkers. Several of you I have known for more than a decade working at ██████. There is a personal issue that I have been dealing with privately for a while now, but it cannot remain private forever.

  Some of you may have noticed subtle changes in the way I dress and speak. This is because I have been transitioning to female, and have been living as female outside of work for several weeks now. This may come as a surprise to many of you, especially those who have known me the longest. The past year has been a long journey of discovery for me. For my entire life, I've suppressed and denied feelings of being female. Lately, however, my dysphoria has reached a point where I no longer have a choice. I am so much happier as a woman that I dread having to present as male at work.

  I have chosen the name "Jennifer Kathryn Stafford", and prefer to be addressed as "Katie". I have filed a legal petition to change my name, and barring any paperwork issues, this will become my legal name after a court hearing on ██████.

  Effective ██████, I will begin presenting as female at work. You will notice an immediate change in my appearance. From that point forward, I ask you to please address me by my new name and use female pronouns when referring to me. I understand that it will take some time to adjust, and slip-ups will occur. I will not be upset by minor mistakes. If you slip up and I or someone else corrects you, please apologize and move on. Most of my friends outside of work have adjusted quickly.

  I hope that this transition will be completed with the least amount of disruption to the workplace. I understand that this may be difficult for many people to understand and accept. I have attached a PowerPoint presentation which you can look at if you have any questions. Please contact me privately through email or Slack if you’d like to know more. I look forward to continuing the great professional relationship we’ve had previously, and hope we can go on to an even more productive future.

  Sincerely,

  Katie Stafford

  I got a few replies, all positive. One coworker even confided that his teenager was questioning their gender identity.

Not all reactions were positive, though.

• Bizarrely, the first negative reaction was someone on a transgender support group on Facebook. I made an introduction post, saying I was questioning my identity, and the first comment was:

  I personally don't like how you can't decide what you are. Either you know or you don't. It's not a trend, dude. Smh.

  That person quickly got banned from the group.

• Coming out to my mother has been the most difficult. I sent her a letter similar to the one I sent my dad. She had such a negative reaction that I was heartbroken. I know she still loves me, and I still love her, too, but this has put a big strain on our relationship. I really hope that over time, she will come to accept me as her daughter.

When most people think of "coming out", they think of news stories - celebrities, politicians, actors, other public figures. In reality, coming out is a long process. It must be done multiple times and tailored to the each individual person or group. Sometimes it's easy, and sometimes it's hard. It takes strength and courage, even coming out to people you know are supportive. If someone comes out to you, the best thing to do is to show your support. Be positive. Get excited! It means they care enough about you to share their feelings with you. Don't question if they are serious. Don't assume it's just a phase. Nobody comes out without putting a lot of thought into it.

So, I'd like to send my love and support to everyone in the LGBTQ+ community, whether you're out, in the closet, or just coming out today!