Sunday, July 24, 2022

I'm super excited!πŸ’

I've been neglecting this blog a bit, so this news is a bit late, but...

πŸ’I'm getting married!πŸ’

We haven't set a date yet, but oh my gosh I'm just so excited! 😁 When I met my wonderful fiancΓ©e Andrea in March, I immediately connected with her in a way I've never felt before. A few weeks ago, we went to visit her family in New Hampshire, and they are ✨amazing✨ and accepted me as one of their own.

My fiancée and I are both huge nerds, so of course we got nerdy inscriptions😁. Andrea wanted sudo apt install wife and I wanted assert!(wife.love), but there was a 16-character limit😒. We settled for apt install wife, which works if you're already root, and assert wife.love which is valid Python.

It would have been nice to have actual Rust code on my ring, since my last name is literally going to be "Rust"🀣, but oh well 🀷

Andrea, I love you so much πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“ and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

P.S. If you're wondering what happened with Scry, we're still friends. For various complicated reasons, we ended our relationship back in January. He's now living in Germany with his Kobold boyfriend. I'm going to be visiting them later this year, so that's something else I'm excited about 😁

Saturday, May 28, 2022

They

Ever since I started my transition, I have exclusively used she/her pronouns. Being called "they" seemed impersonal to me. I would explain it like this:

  • Using "they" to refer to someone anonymously is always OK:
    I talked to my friend and she said... ✅
    I talked to my friend and they said... ✅
  • Using "they" to refer to me specifically, e.g. in a situation where you would use my name, is not OK:
    I talked to my friend Katie and she said... ✅
    I talked to my friend Katie and they said... ❌

"That last sentence sounds weird to me," I would say. "I'm a girl, just use 'she''!"

Except... now, it doesn't sound weird anymore. It sounds perfectly normal.

"They" is okay.

So, I'm changing my pronouns from she/her to she/they. You can still call me a girl, a woman, a lady, female. I still prefer she/her, but I'll let myself have a little "they", as a treat. 😁

Wednesday, March 30, 2022

Spam comments

Just a quick update to anyone following: I had to turn off comments due to spam. It wasn't that much, but was still annoying to delete, and nobody has actually commented on any of my posts anyway.

Monday, March 28, 2022

I'm going all in.

I am coming up on 3 years of transition now. For all this time, I have been on the fence about bottom surgery. I was scared of the preparation, the surgery, the dilation, and the fear of complications. I just didn't really have genital dysphoria that bad. My orchi had removed the worst of it. Last year, though, after watching a video by Jessie Gender about her surgery, I came to the conclusion that I probably did want bottom surgery at some point. I just didn't have a definite plan or a timeframe in mind.

But you know what? Fuck it. I'm going all in. Today, I made the call to set up my first appointment to get the ball rolling. I've waited long enough. I know it will be a long process, and like my transition itself, I kinda wish I started sooner. But I'm determined now.

Wish me luck! 🀞

Saturday, March 19, 2022

Labels

I've been thinking about labels for a while now. It's difficult to find labels that accurately describe my sexuality and gender. I thought I was straight and male for most of my life, but obviously neither of those labels fit me now. It took me a while to realize I was bisexual, but even that label is broad and doesn't come close to describing the nuances of who I'm attracted to and how that attraction manifests.

I am also on the Asexual spectrum somewhere. I recently discovered a graph that describes the various kinds of attraction: Platonic, Aesthetic, Sensual, Sexual, and Romantic. Someone is Asensual if they don't experience sensual attraction, Aromantic if they don't experience romantic attraction, etc. Allosexual means someone experiences normal sexual attraction.

I am Allosensual, maybe even Hypersensual. I love to cuddle and will 100% hook up with someone just to cuddle them. I'm pretty sure I'm Asexual, though, or at least close to it. In the past, I most likely mistook sensual attraction for sexual attraction. Every sexual encounter I've had has been somewhat disappointing, and how I feel about the experience as a whole depends on how much cuddling we did before and after.

One thought experiment that convinced me I am ace is this: Say you find a genie who offers you a deal. You can have a partner who will cuddle with you every day for the rest of your life, BUT... You can never have sex again, ever. I would take that deal with no hesitation. Whenever I have gone a while without having sex, I don't miss it at all. I do miss cuddling though, and I tend to get desperate if I go too long without it :'(

As for my gender, that's not clear either. I think I'm Agender internally, because my brain doesn't seem to have much of a reaction to either estrogen or testosterone, but I love being feminine, love the effects estrogen has on my body, and I love being a girl socially. So my gender is the word "GIRL" but when you look close, the lines that make up the text are microprinted "Transfeminine Non-Binary Agender".

Saturday, April 03, 2021

Two years! πŸ“ ➡ 🏳️‍🌈 ➡ πŸ₯šπŸ”¨ ➡ 🏳️‍⚧️

It's hard to believe - it's been two whole years since my egg cracked. April 3, 2019 was the day my life changed. That's when I went from "I'm just a cis guy who'd like to be more feminine" to "I'm definitely not 100% cis, maybe I'm genderfluid or non-binary". I still wasn't certain that I was trans, but I now knew it was a possibility. I began exploring, and within 3 months, I had:

  • Started HRT
  • Started laser hair removal
  • Come out on my blog, on Facebook, and at work
  • Legally changed my name
  • Updated my name and gender on my driver's license and birth certificate

I feel like I did things really fast, but I felt like I had to. Not because of any external pressure, but because the flood gates opened on my dysphoria once I recognized it. Once I realized how much better I felt being a woman, I just couldn't stand being perceived as a man anymore.

Once, I was at the grocery store after work. I was pushing my cart down the main aisle, going pretty quickly because I couldn't wait to get home and change into my femme clothes, and this kid ran in front of my cart, being chased by their mother. I was able to stop before I hit them, but the mother said "Watch out, that M̻̤͍̬̼̪̤̼̺͉͎̦̭ͭ̃̌ͥ͋̎̿̈́̓̋̈́ͯ̔A͓̭̲̯̦̘ͅǸ̟̙̗̬̹͚̣̩̬ͧ̓̈ͦ͆͂ͮ̓ almost ran you over." That... hurt. It felt like a personal attack. I couldn't blame her, of course. I got so distracted that I forgot to get something that I needed and had to go back the next day. Except this time, I brought my femme clothes, pocket bra, and clip-on earrings with me, and put them on in the car before I left work.

I don't regret doing everything so quickly. If anything, I regret not transitioning sooner. But the past is the past, and I can't change it.

Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Flying my flag 🏳️‍⚧️

Today, March 31st, is Transgender Day of Visibility. Visibility matters for one very important reason - it's easier to hate people that you don't know. If you don't know any trans people, it's easy to put them in this "other" box and make generalizations about them.

I have never tried to hide the fact that I was trans. At first, this wasn't even a possibility. I came out before I looked even remotely feminine, so it was immediately obvious to anyone who saw me. Recently, however, I've noticed that it's getting much easier to see myself as female in the mirror, and I haven't been misgendered by a stranger in a long time. At my current job, there are some people who know I'm trans because I've worked with them before, but many of them don't know.

I don't mind being seen as trans at all. If I can show just one closeted trans person that they are not alone, and give them the courage to transition, it's worth any potential hate I might get from transphobes. Also, if transphobes show their true colors around me, at least I know their true intentions.

Some trans people prefer to be stealth because they can't handle the harrasment, or they are not in a safe environment, and that's okay. Nobody should be pressured to come out before they are safe.

This year, trans visibility is especially important because of the huge number of unconstitutional anti-trans bills being introduced in state legislatures right now. Healthcare for trans people is under attack all over the country, and this will cause real damage to transgender kids. It's so overwhelming sometimes.

Art by JenPallante