Thursday, October 03, 2019

It's my 6-month transiversary!

Wednesday, April 3, 2019 was a fairly ordinary day. It was my first day back at work after TFF. I worked on a bug in the morning, had bacon-wrapped meatloaf for lunch, then had to go outside because the fire alarm went off even though there was no drill scheduled. My home server shut off in the afternoon for some reason (I think my cat Mae might have stepped on the power strip switch). I talked to Scrydan for a bit on Telegram. When I got home, I saw a reference on Reddit to The IT Crowd, so I decided to watch it while I continued browsing Reddit.

Then, at 18:29, I was browsing /r/lgbt when I saw this comment by "PossiblyClaire", who had started questioning their gender identity after coming out as bisexual, which struck me as familiar. A user called "dequacker" responded with "Go on r/egg_irl and r/traa and see if you relate to any memes there. That's how I found out I was trans".

So I visited /r/egg_irl. The sidebar says "Post egg memes (memes about trans people who don't know they're trans yet)." I saw post after post after post after post after post after post that resonated with me.

Then at 19:36, I saw this post. A conversation between two people on Omegle, one of whom is "fine" with being a boy, but who thinks being a girl would be better. A comment by "master-hacker" led me to, which completely destroyed every rationalization I had made to myself. I could no longer dismiss my feelings as "I want to be more feminine, but I've never felt like anything but a man, so I must be cis." I realized that I couldn't really say I ever felt like a man in the first place. I had started with the conclusion and had assumed that the way I felt must be how a man feels because I was a man and therefore I must be a man. My gender identity up to that point had been based on a tautology. I was a coyote walking on air because the cliff ended and I never looked down.

At 19:42, I got up, walked to the kitchen, and started pacing back and forth, like I usually do when I have something to think about. I started thinking about the steps I would need to take in order to explore this new identity. I walked for 20 minutes, thinking about what friends I could talk to, alt accounts, etc. I realized I would need to choose a name to use at some point, and then it hit me - Katie! It was obvious. I had always been drawn to that name, as if I shared a connection with it. Ten years ago, I used to fantasize about being in a relationship. I had invented a girlfriend - named Katie, of course - and came up with an entire backstory for her. I realized that this was a subconscious projection. I wanted to be her more than I wanted to be with her.

At 20:02, I sat down and started working on creating a new Reddit account. I decided to call the account katie_pendry (based on my existing fursona name, Jace Pendry). I got sidetracked for a bit trying to get my password manager to work, but at 21:04 I created the new account and started introducing myself to the folks on egg_irl. I also talked to one of my trans friends on Discord.

So that was the first day of my new life. Two days later, I came out to Scrydan, who has been 100% supportive of my transition from the very beginning. Three weeks later, on April 24, I took my first HRT pill. May 25 was the last day I ever dressed up as a man (at work). This has been a wild 6 months, but I've never been happier with who I am. I'm looking forward to seeing what the future has in store for me.

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